A thousand marbles

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008

There were times when I used to hate Saturdays….But now, I’m beginning to appreciate it…Every single moment of it…Know what changed my mind? It was one Sunday afternoon when I heard the story of a thousand marbles from our pastor. Read on.

A Thousand Marbles

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings.   Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work.  Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it.

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.  He was telling whoever he was talking with something about “a thousand marbles”.

I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say. “Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet.  Too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital.”

He continued, “Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities.”

And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a “thousand marbles.”

“You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.”

“Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.  Now stick with me Tom, I’m getting to the important part.”

“It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail”, he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.  I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.”

“So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round-up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away.”

“I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.”

“Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast.

This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.”

“It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 75 year Old Man, this is K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!”

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.”

“What brought this on?” she asked with a smile. “Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles.”

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND AND MAY ALL SATURDAYS BE SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!

 

The last day of my 23rd year….

Monday, September 8th, 2008

It sucks…It’s scary…I’m so scared about how things will turn out this year…Last year I spent my birthday week with Noel and I’m so afraid to get my heart broken again…….

Before he left…

Sunday, September 7th, 2008

 For the past weeks, I have been spending alot of time with my batchmates…And seeing them go through ups and downs just makes me feel at home. I can’t remember feeling at home with other people but them…It’s been a while since we get to spend the week together just like highschool. We talked, sleep, eat and play together….and do almost anything under the sun…It hurts me to see them hurting over a past love that seems to revive itself out of a deathbed.

Seeing them also rekindle the past hurt that I am so trying to forget….It is how I lived the 23rd year of my life…So far, it is most painful year I ever lived in…and I don’t want them to experience that…On this same month last year, I thought I will have alot of chances..I thought it’ll never ran out…But it did…

And it was my last chance…The only one I got….And I blew it…

Marl, this is your chance…take it or leave it…do something out of it or blew it…your call…

Lets name this MEN

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

What our mothers didn’t tell us….And what the society is teaching us on the contrary…

Saturday, August 16th, 2008

This is a part of the article I found over the net. I know alot of people will turn back time if they could, but won’t be able to….And God is the God of second chances. I need not say more. Just read through.

Of course, we may continue to do as we do now and pretend that women are every bit as sexually free and nonchalant as men. But if we do wish to carry on with this pretense, then we should not express astonishment or resentment when men behave more badly than they used to, or show less inclination to stay with us, or that sex generally feels more meaningless. After all, when something becomes widely and cheaply available, its value usually goes down too.

By denying these differences (between men and women), we prolong the period when we are sexually vulnerable; we waste the opportunity in our passionate youth to find lasting love and everything that goes with it–home, children, stability, and the pleasure of sex as an expression of profound, romantic, and monogamous love. We have traded all this away for an illusion of sexual power and, in doing so, have abandoned the customs that used to protect and civilize both sexes, that constrained men and women but also obliged them to live up to their best natures. We might now be more free. But we enjoy less happiness, less fulfillment, less dignity, and, of all things, less romance.

Quoted from:WHAT OUR MOTHERS DIDN’T TELL US: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman

Mystery, Love, Hate, then Nothing………

Saturday, August 9th, 2008

Hell yeah it is Saturday….I used to hate Saturdays but now I’m kinda beginning to love it. Saturday means rest and what not the regular weekdays are…I was browsing through friendster and kinda checking out how my friends are doing…Ans I noticed one particular shoutout. It says “The last thing I will do is wait for you…”

So what about the shoutout right? Lol! It just popped into my head…The guy who said this is one of the astig guys back when I was in highschool…Someone who thinks that love is a game…I just think he’s in love with someone.

Soooooooo…what?

We’ll I kinda would like to say: Love, who are you? You are very much capable to send mighty men on their knees…The sanest person to lose their wit…The hardest heart turned into melted butter….

I hope the next time you show yourself to me, it’ll be the other way around…I don’t like hurting… =( Please?

Fontana

Monday, July 21st, 2008

 Can I just stay in this place? It just seems so ideal…I wanna live in a place where you don’t need a gate….Then you can just walk and then there’s swimming pool…Where I can be away from the world…and think….far from all the worries of the city….Where I can be alone….Where no one knows me…Sounds nice…

To start over…………

TeAr HeRe

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

 Does my heart has something in it that says “TEAR HERE”?

Crossroads: What do they mean to me?

Sunday, July 6th, 2008

This picture was taken today, 6th day of the seventh month of the year 2008 at 12:42 A.M.

And yup, guilty as charged…I am out last night…I’m out last night and while standing in one corner I noticed this sign.

Crossroads. What do they mean to me?

Crossroads are just mere roads cutting each other, an intersection is one classic example, and they are nothing but roads. But for some reason last night, as I was standing just right below this signage, something popped in my head. I dunno if it is due to me walking not knowing and not worrying where to go. The cool mist added to the relaxing ambiance and I really missed walking out at night like this.

There were alot of times that I stand in the crossroads of my life. Some were make or break and I didn’t even noticed it. Carelessly making decisions. But last night, I know I’m standing in another crossroad, and this time, I asked God to guide me and never let me repeat the same mistakes again. And yeah, I dunno where to go, whereever He leads me I’ll follow. If someone who knew me can read this and can read between the lines, he will know what I mean. I know I’m speaking vaguely at the moment, but that’s my life. I can’t see the whole picture yet. All I can see are vague lines. I tried to find myself several times and end up lost. But this time, I’m not gunna find it. I’m gunna make my destiny. And I’m aiming for a better life, no not just a better life but a good life.

I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.

What a Woman/Man Wants

Friday, July 4th, 2008

Sam Milby - Only You (ABS-CBN Koreanovela Theme)

It’s been a  while since my last post. I’ve been wanting to write about Father’s Day, my daily struggles and alot more, but then due to time constraints I wasn’t able to do so. Now I have something to be thankful for being sick, lol! Thank God I can now update my blog.

“What do I want in a man?”

I am being asked this question alot of times since people know that I’m single. Yes, I am now single and negotiable…lol! Kiddin’. Not till next year. Yes, I have set a timeline for myself. Some of my answers are in my previous blogs already. After having my heart broken so badly, I would say I’m pretty reluctant to try again, to love again. Having a second chance at love wouldn’t be that bad, and I hope it wouldn’t be that hard as well. I’m not looking, I’m just sitting here in my own world waiting for “God’s will” to find me. Yes, I would NEED a Christian guy, and I mean it. ..And someone who will love me twice as much as I love him, for the rest of my life. Someone who I can share my life with, and not give up my life for. Someone who wouldn’t trade togetherness for money or comfort. Someone, who will treat me as equal, and will give me the chance to be a wife (the one and only wifey) and a mother. I need a man who knows what he wants, and who has his head above his shoulders, not just below his belt.

Read on. You might get something out of it, coz I did too. The What a woman part has been modified based on my opinion and taste about the man I wanna love. And bear in mind, that these are wants, not need. So the man that I’m gunna love could always remain an exception. *wink*

What A Woman Wants

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman. He was pursuing the question “what kind of man are you looking for?”

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking, “do you really want to know?” Reluctantly, he said, “yes.”

She began to expound… “As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can’t do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of myself with out the help of any man… or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, “What are you worth for me to want you?”

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, “I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life.”

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, “I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I want a man who can keep up or start a smart conversation without taking for granted his sense of humor. I don’t need a simple-minded man. 

I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don’t need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman but strong enough to keep me grounded. 

I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive… He just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can’t help a man if he can’t help himself.”

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, “you are asking a lot.”

She replied, “I’m worth a lot.”

What A Man Wants

If these really were your thoughts, then I’m not the man you want. I am not one who strives for perfection. I’ve made too many mistakes and came across many circumstances that made me accept the fact that nobody and nothing is perfect in this world and it would be better to make the best out of everything the tide of life brings you.

I think everyone is trying to strive for financial perfection. but to consider someone as a financial burden, especially the ones you love, is a sign of selfishness, a sign of greed. I support my family financially but never considered them a burden. What if I had a wife who wasn’t really a “financial burden” when we met, but encountered a series of crises in her life that pushed her to bankruptcy. Would I then choose to consider her a “burden”? Hell no! She needs me, and I will never leave her side.

In my opinion, the woman who wrote this isn’t looking for someone to love. She’s looking for a pet.

Love entails risk. Love entails sacrifices. Love is never an investment. Love is not giving your life to someone, but making the one you love a part of your life, regardless of his/her imperfections. To love is to accept.

But to love is also to want to be a better person for the one you love. If the man in the conversation really loves the woman, he would strive to be the man she wants him to be.

It is not for me to decide what I am worth. But it is for the one I love to realize how important I am to her. I could give myself a 5-peso price tag, but for someone else I could be worth her life’s savings.

It’s been a long time since I’ve opened my heart like this. I asked myself a question, and I think what follows very much answers everything.

What I want in a woman…

What I want is a good woman, a good woman with a good heart. 

A woman who is compassionate and caring, considerate and kind-one who is selfless enough to put her needs aside for the sake of the people she loves.

Honest. 

A woman who is capable of differentiating between love and infatuation and not spineless enough when rejecting someone opting them friendship as a consolation.

A woman who is not afraid to tell you how she feels and is able to confront her insecurities and flaws.

A mature woman who is stimulating, able to hold conversations with and strong enough to handle criticism.

Loyal. 

A woman that loves no one but God, her family, herself, and I.

One who will not manipulate or be so petty as to allow something great pass before her in favor of temporary shallowness.

A woman who is not materialistic and understands that money does not make a man nor will it ever equal any status of love.

Realistic.

Down to earth.

One who knows what it means to trust, to understand and upkeep responsibilities that they may have for the rest of their lives. 

A woman of passion. 

A woman to fight over with but make up and make love later that day with the greatest of all love that we literally consume one another. 

I want a woman who I can wake up with one morning and realize how blessed I am to be with her and to understand what it feels like to be content and she would feel the same.

Because that is a woman who genuinely understands love and the mysteries that surrounds it.

That is the kind of woman I want — the kind that I want to be with and to grow old with.

To entrust my heart to and to share my entire life with.

This is after all what life is made of

Sunday, June 15th, 2008

I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel

After quite sometime, I can say that I’m neither lonely nor nearing nirvana…The struggles have finally come to an end…Great changes came my way, and I believe that it’s God behind all these…He made me understand and accept alot of things…When I thought I couldn’t, He gave me enough, should I say wit? Brain? I dunno…But He made me understand…No matter how hard it is…No matter how much it hurted me…He taught me how to let go of the people I love dearly and I held close to my heart .

As one good friend say, Life is not a fairytale. It never was and I gotta accept that fact and stop being stubborn…

But…There’s still one big BUT…I still believe in happily ever after…and I know I’m gunna get that…Faith works!!!

Narnia, that is!

Monday, June 9th, 2008

We watched Narnia! Hahaha! I’m so happy…It’s nice to be disappointed that way, watcha think?

T’was a Friday off…I went to work only to get the file that I will use for the presentation this coming June 18 (by the way, I haven’t started it yet). There were several people in the office…The one hour stay that I intend to do took about three hours. 2 hours of follow up work and 1 hour just playing PSP with Lee.

Carlo and I watched Narnia…hahaha! After 2 days of being despondent about the broken promise, it’s not anymore…Leaving the office at 6pm, his mom allowed him to bring the car…I was kinda hesitant about him driving along Edsa, coz its Friday and we were expecting heavy traffic…But so much for that, all I can remember is that we we’re just making kwento about what happened during the week, those times when he was doing his suplado act…haha! He has his own way of making me feel comfy, both of them, they make me feel safe…Kuya Kimoy and him…babysitters as what he claims they are to me…lol! Okay so much for that, back to Narnia, I feel guilty coz he is driving and there I am sitting very comfortably on the seat beside him…Finally we arrived at Shang! My fav place to be…we grab a quick dinner at Tender Bobs and share a cuppa banana split right after…We were hurrying to finish it up coz movie is about to start at 9:30 pm…And so Narnia that is! I love the movie…action-filled, a combination of fantasy and reality plus a subtle lovestory. It was really nice…And he keeps on insisting I should watch the Lion, the witch and the wardrobe…hehe! I haven’t watch it yet but I will very soon.

Well, thanks to Carlo for making bawi…Disappointing me that way was very much acceptable….When I thought that we’re not gunna watch anymore, you try to make it up to me…But most of all, what sets the mood was the fact that you’re not afraid to say sorry….That earned my respect, really!

 Till another movie and dinner in a steakhouse!

I’m not that strong….

Thursday, June 5th, 2008

There were alot of times when people chooses other people over me. Why? Because they think I’m strong.

Things start to make sense now…For several months I’ve been living like hell. I know it doesn’t make sense anymore to think about those, but my second mind is looking for answers. And as God reveals the reasons to me gradually, it breaks my heart to the smallest pieces known to humankind. But then in the process, it also allows me to just let go, without holding back, this time without any regrets. My greatest heartache ever is slowly fading. The man who caused it is also the same man who is healing it. I should say he is my greatest testimony ever. God changed him, from a boyfriend/bestfriend to a bestfriend/prayer partner/adviser.

When I asked him why he chose Isabel, it breaks my heart to see these words. The hard acceptance of it comes right after the realization that we both can’t do anything about it anymore. Thy will be done.

In the state of choosing between unbeliever and believer..i choose her because I know you are already in the right way..you know tha way, even if im gone, I know you can still praise God and worship him and give thanks to him..dont get me wrong..

I love her, even if im thinking bkit sya ang pipiliin ko? kahit mahal ko sya kaya kong baguhin un..pero bkit d ko nagawa?

I know when i choose you, I will be very happy..Im the luckiest guy!

but you know what? Everytime ha, everytime that i will think na iwan si Isabel at bumalik sau..

God will always convict me, he will always put into my mind, "If you leave her, she will be worst than before"

But if i leave you, you can survive and surpass the trial..

bhe please dont blame me..you will always be my bhebhe..in my heart i keep us..

but i have to follow what is right, and that time, im afraid na kapag binalikan kita..baka d ko maibigay ung dating pagmamahal ko na hinahanp ko..

at baka d parin kita mapasaya..=(

People break their promises, right? They always do…

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Life is Like a Boat (Rie Fu) - Bleach Ending Theme 1

People break their promises, right? They always do…

I wanna watch Narnia…I wanna watch Narnia…I wanna watch Narnia!!!!!!!! **tantrums**

Somebody promised me were gunna watch Narnia, come what may, busy or not…he promised =(( I wasn’t informed ahead of time that he doesn’t wanna watch it anymore…so I declined all invites to watch the movie…

AND ta-daaaah! He said I can go ahead and watch it alone… =((

Don’t make me change my mind

Saturday, May 24th, 2008

My 3 Non-negotiables:

1. Christian wedding

2. Christian way of living

3. Live somewhere far away from here

 

Who will make me stay?

1. Christian - this is not my number one for nothing. I want a Christian guy, someone who loves God more than he loves me.

2. Someone who will love me more or will love me as much as my dad, Geoffrey and Noel - they are the three greatest men of my life. If someone will love me as much, or more, ask me to stay and I will.

3. Someone who’s older and more mature than me.

4. Someone who can accept me for who I was and who I am.

5. Someone who can love my fam and accept it for how it is now.

6. Someone who will respect me and my decisions.

7. Someone who will stay faithful.

8. Someone who will stay with me and won’t leave me.

9. Someone who loves pictures.

10. Someone who can play the guitar or drums, or plays sports (girls not included as sports).

11. Someone who’ll love me twice as much as I love him.

12. Someone who will give me flowers every now and then.

13. Someone I can cuddle with and play my feet with his everytime I wake up in the morning and shweep at night.

14. Someone who won’t get mad if I stay late in the office. Or someone who will help me finish my work.

15. Someone who would let me scribble on his back or arms or legs or chest, or even his face.

16. Someone who would slow talk me to shweep.

17. Someone who would pray with me.

 

 

Walang iwanan….Keeping my promise….

To the people who was wondering why I’m not like myself this week, was because of this email. It has opened all the feelings I kept bottled inside me for the longest time. Welcome to my world. This is who I really am. You just don’t know me. Take it or leave it. Your call.

I was about to sleep when I received the email. I saw the subject, and then the sender. Seeing it, tears start welling down my face even before I had the chance to read the first word “I”. Everything was like going in slow mo…I can hear the clock ticking and my own breathe…My head spinning…

He is the guy that was mentioned on one of my blogs. My first boyfriend, my bestfriend, my companion, my enemy, my crying shoulder. For the past six months, I kept wondering why he decided to marry the girl. I had a lot of questions though I never asked, not because I’m afraid. But because I know that even my questions were answered, they wouldn’t mean anything anymore. Nothing would change.

When I started reading the email,  everything came back like I’m having a flashback of the past year. The past year that changed my life forever. The past year that brought me the greatest pain I ever had in my entire life. I’ve read the mail more than twenty times already, and everytime I read it, tears run down my face.  It is a wild mixture of emotions…sadness, relief, happiness, thankfulness and regret. For six months, I’ve been wondering why it happened. I had become someone I’m not.

For years, eversince I graduated from college, I’ve been wanting to hear this words from him. And for the past couple of years, this has become my motivation, “I’M GUNNA MAKE YOU PROUD OF ME SOMEDAY.”

“Im so proud of you bhe…Just remember this, there is none to be compared to you..

and even if we are not togehter..I will always have you here..in my memories..

that once upon a time..I have you in my arms..”

Thanks to the email, I can now be who I really am and not be afraid that people won’t like me or accept me for who I am. I can start my life anew. Without thinking about my past, without it withholding me from what the future holds.

To Noel:

You are my greatest lover. Thanks for loving me before, for the forgiveness, for being my living testimony, for wishing me the best, for being my bestfriend above anything else, and always praying for me. I won’t regret being with you in the past. I pray that you have all the best life has to offer. Once in my life you are mine…and that’s enough. I’ll never go, I’ll be here though it’s not gunna be like before. But I’m still here. Will always listen. As promised, “walang iwanan.”

Till my last breath that I swear to God. 

God bless.

Shweep

Sunday, May 11th, 2008

Alot of people wonder how do I manage to be awake for one whole day and shweep for one whole day as well….What motivates me to stay awake at one time and shweep as if I never want to wake up anymore.

It has something to do with motivation. Whether my eyes will remain wide open or shut.

Have you ever tried to look at your life from the outside? Or the other way around?

I keep on motivating myself to wake up  everyday and how I do this I don’t know.

I never felt so alone in my entire life, like I am right now. As if everyone has intend to leave me and see if I can stand on my own…Even though they know so well that I can’t go on if I’m on my own. Mean people. That’s what they do. They knock and knock and knock some more till you open your life to them, and the next thing you know is they are nowhere to be seen. Gone for good. They promised and let you promise that they won’t leave nor should you, and the child in me always want to believe the good in everyone.

 I’m not a mature person. I’m so gullible and there were alot of times that I so hate myself for that. The next time it comes, I will never open up or let my guards down. I have learned the rule of preservation which contradicts the rule of being happy.  Even so, it’s yet to be known.

Should I live a life of equilibrium but not really live at all? Or experience life as a bliss and have my heart broken? I’ve experienced both and I know I can’t have all the good. It’s just that I’ll never get used to having my heart broken everytime. My heart breaks even on the smallest things. And they don’t want me for that.

All I want is someone who I can share my life with…Is that too much to ask?

….

Sunday, April 27th, 2008

Will You Still Love Me

 

In times of distress

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Dear Cristina,

          It’s often hard to find the right words, a struggle of what or how to state something that has meaning & tact; I am out of practice in writing long letters, especially after hours of emails and IM sessions.

          My thoughts on what has happened to you, are centered on what you said about yourself & Noel. And also my own memories of love, and lost love, and the search to regain the euphoria of love, if that makes any sense to you. There is no feeling like being in love, although being in lust has a similar powerful feeling, but the rush to regain that feeling can sometimes push that person into a mistake.

          My sense is you are not that kind of woman who would do something so bold without assessing all the options available to her. You bear strength in your words and manners, which may be too strong for someone who is not prepared to treat you as an equal.

          There is the wish that you will find someone who is deserving of your love, who will share your ideals, and appreciate all you have to offer, and treat you as an equal in all that you do together, and then be able to communicate to you what he needs from you, without being angry or resorting to fits of violence.

          I missed chatting with you,  we went to an early company Christmas party on Saturday & had hangovers on Sunday, sometimes it’s just the silence.

Take Care, & be a good girl,

Papa Mike

 

This letter is from my former boyfriend’s uncle. He and the family are the ones who comforted me after the huge breakup. I dunno, but this means a lot to me….

Sometimes goodbyes really are forever

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

Kareshi

21 October 2007
11:51 AM

You always asked me why I never wrote a blog about you. And my answers never satisfy you. I’m not good in writing blogs…and not even telling a story. I never had any talent in doing those. My stories, as I relay them, always lack essence. More often that not, I ran out of words and the language I used were never enough to tell how I feel exactly and how good or tragic it was.

I never wrote about you, about us, because I wasn’t really expecting an ending. With you, I believed in happily-ever-after. That was an illusion you made me believe, and I hang onto that. Not just because you made me believe, it is because I want to. But then again, illusion breaks, and what comes along with that is my greatest heartache ever. And this would mean the end of our story.

I met you January 5, 2003. It was a fine afternoon. I’m at school, and so were you. Humanities Class. SW301. Mapua Institute of Technology. You were waving your hands at everyone and laughing with your friends while introducing yourself. That picture was stuck in my mind. Seating arrangement. Why do they have that in college? Cleofe-Coronel. We end up sitting next to each other. I don’t like you back then, because you’re not a gentleman (remember when you yelled at Karla?) And so the story goes.

It was just plainly you and me. Just friends. And we became us. One month of courtship is too long for you. We had our share of ups and downs. We started like it’s you and me against the world. My family didn’t like you and so are my friends (the gentile-thingy). And vice versa. I remember saying to my mom when she threatens not to let me go to college if I don’t break up with you, “Eh di patigilin mo. I’m not breaking up with him. And you can’t do anything about it.”

Indeed I’m a spoiled brat. I chose to be under Disciplinary Actions for being committed to you. But after sometime, I honestly don’t know how you do it, but you finally won the heart of my family and even my friends. Even up to the point wherein if we fight, my mom chooses your side (and even up to now). My brothers love you more than they love me. You got some magic, and I swear it was sooooo good.

You made me say “yes” because you cried. Honestly. That was my weakness. I never want to see a man cry.

To be continued… (I gotta run…we’re playing badminton today…Later!)

2007H / 11th of November 2007 / apartment

I’m writing on this blog again after several days. I fear I won’t be able to give justice to the past. And I can’t write anymore…..

 ————————————————————————

23rd of November 2007 — 08:08pm — at my apartment

I remember everything. From the time you were introduced to me, the moment you got my number (and saved it incorrectly), then you texted me as I was going home asking where I am, to the time you cried, when I met Mama Ging, Irhene and Ivy, when you introduced me to your friends in Donsol as “payaba ko”, when I met Jeff and Papa Donnie for the first time, Papa Franie, Ate Malu and Kuya Dois, Kuya Alex, to the moment the M3 people called me wrecker (the truck thingy) coz I always try to let you stop playing counterstrike…haha! From the time you first held my hand when we were crossing the street on our way to Ate Cathy’s dorm (I don’t know if you know that I don’t know how to cross the street. I always cross the street carelessly, can be compared to how impulsive I am.) I remember how you taught me how to eat isaw and balat in Instrucion. After a long day, we’ll go there, eat isaw and ihaw-ihaw and drink an ice cold mountain dew. You toured me around town. I don’t know Manila. All I know is Intramuros, Buendia, and Laguna…haha! And Moret Street in front of UST.  I remember when my class ends at 9pm and your class ends at 6 or 7:30. How you’d wait for me…para lang ihatid ako…and go back to Manila, everyday. I don’t know if I was able to thank you enough for everything you did for me. How you dragged me to go on vacations, Cavite and Batangas, just to let me out of my boring life.

I remembered also when you cheated. Quantum. SM 4th floor. You were playing arcade and I was holding your cell phone, received a text from Jaloo. How you denied everything and eventually told me the truth. I noticed how your face loses color. I was ready to let you go then if not for the hand-written letter you sent me.

I remember the first time we broke up because of Ragnarok, the time we got back together after 8 months. And broke up again after 9 months, and this time, it became for good.

I remember everything…and I’m writing this coz I know I’ll soon forget all about you, the past and everything in it.

I want to thank you for introducing me to your family. I want to let you know that they are the ones consoling me now. Tita Weng and Papa Michael. Thanks for spending my 23rd birthday with me. Thanks for spending a week with me. I know it was indeed a roller coaster ride. But definitely it was something I’m going to treasure forever.

I’m sorry.

We are the decisions we made. I will always be a friend. Much has been said and done. I did everything and I know time will come that I’ll go back and remember everything again. It’s just good to know that I would not regret anything. I only regret the things I did not do or failed to do, and I know I did everything I can.

It’s time to let go. I still believe in happily ever after. So I pray that you and Isabel will have a good future together. Learn to be patient with her. I know you have a lot of doubts about her. But give her chance to prove herself and talk her through it. You’re pushy. And she loves you so much. Much more than I do. Or I guess she just love you the way you want to be loved. Don’t cheat and love her with all your heart. You’re going to have kids soon. Be mature. It’s going to be a new phase. I just want you happy above anything else.

Goodbye Kareshi…Jet’aime….Mahal ko…

Geoffrey

Bestfriend..
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006

Posted by skyprincess at 3:25 am

 

You don’t need many friends. You just need true friends.

It was September 11, 2000. My bestfriend and I were sitting on our rooftop. He’s greeting me Happy Birthday after a petty highschool quarrel that lasted for several days. It was a fine starry evening. Weather is fine. We’re both full. Everything is perfect except for one thing, he’ll be leaving the country for good within 19 days.  I’ll just be with him 19 days and that ample time is not enough to catch up on the things that we’re still not able to do. I asked why? Why he didn’t tell me earlier? (It could have been  better if he did, I thought..). He knew 2 years ago that they will be leaving and he didn’t even tell me. Even before senior year started. We were together the whole time during summer. He could’ve told me ealier..It freaking hurts to look into his eyes and wonder, will i still be able to look into the same eyes few months or years from now? Will I still have my bestfriend who assist me going through life? For months, he’s been a friend, a brother, a clown, a phone pal, my family, my everything…and relationship is purely platonic. I just dunno how to live life without him. Basically, I wake up in the morning, prepare for school, go to school at 6 or 7 and we’re together. His classroom is just across my room. And he’d always wave hi even though our instructors are in the middle of teaching. We always stayed until 6 or 7 at school. I forgot to mention, we’re officers so we have to stay late to do extra curricular activities especially during training day which is tuesday and thursday..CAT to be specific..After school, we will just eat dinner and fulfill some family obligations…Mostly household chores (We’re both dishwashers during dinner..haha! At least we got something in common..) and then we’ll talk on the phone till 12 midnight. Alot of people usually ask, "hindi ba kayo nauubusan ng pag-uusapan?"  Well, the answer is a BIG NO. Why? Coz we’re comfortable even in silence. (Are you Geoff? You told me you are..haha!) I really can’t imagine how to live life without him. And at that point, I’m totally helpless. All I can do was breakdown and cry. So days went by, just tried to maximize our time together. A day before he and his family left for Canada, we went to a friend’s party together. I had a curfew then. I had to be home before 10. So we did came home 30 minutes late. Good thing my mom understood.  He stayed till 12:15am. I literally begged him to stay although I knew he can’t. Hearing him say "Kung kaya ko lang sana tin" is enough to ease the pain. I saw the feeling of helplessness in his eyes…And same thing in mine…Seeing him cry is one of the most heart-breaking experience I had. His shadow walking away was the last time I saw him. Haven’t seen him since then.

After he left, I promised myself I will never get close with anyone not unless they promise to stay..Haven’t had a word from him since December 25, 2000. For years, I was crying and crying. Feeling of loss won’t go away. Three years had passed. It took me more than 2 years to be able to cope up with the lost. Thanks to friendster and Meryl, after three long years we were able to reconnect. That was one of my life’s major turning point. Good thing is, I was able to realize that true friendship isn’t limited by distance, time or space. We talked as if we just saw each other yesterday..But of course there’s alot of catching up and explanations to do. The painful part is the fact that I can’t be with him. Have you ever felt ecstatic and sad  at the same time? That’s exactly how I felt while looking at him through the webcam. It’s one of the happiest yet very sad experience. We were spending alot of money just for phone calls. At least five grand in a month for me, and $200 weekly for him…It’s a big amount of money but that doesn’t matter..The money I spent are none compared to lessons I got from that frienship and experience.

We seldom talk now. We’re both living separate lives. Alot has changed though. But that’s fine. The only bad thing that this experience left me is I still don’t get close with anyone not unless he/she promised to stay. What do I mean by STAY? We don’t actually have to be in the same geographical position. I can’t tie a person with me for a long time. It just enough that he/she keep in touch coz when I say your my friend, I really mean it. I would do anything and everything I can just to keep you.

"Im still you clown. The only difference is that my service to you is free." - my bestfriend