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Getting Involved
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
30In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. 31A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. 32So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. 33But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. (more…)
Luke 10:30-37 (New International Version)
I love, therefore I am…
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 Hoku - You First Believed (Hoku) One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles
Life is bleak. It is for now. But it will not always be like this. Someday….
People will come and go. You can only love them while they are there. And when it’s time to go, no matter how much you wanted to hold on, no matter how much you cherished the gift, you just have to let them go.
“give it up na. accept the fact na wala na tayo. i hate to admit na i really love her and i would want things to be ok first, to be clear before we start to build a relationship.” -Meowth
He said these words to me yesterday (28July2009). These are harsh words. They break my heart. But then, maybe I need it.
Or maybe kinder words didn’t hurt as much.
Days gone by already, then weeks. It hurts just the same as it was the night we broke up.
The weekend prior to that was okay. We did our Sunday rituals, church and dinner. Little did I know that it’ll be our last weekend together. Monday night, I was updating my Friendster account. He logged in to his account and added 3 friends (2 girls and a guy). I can’t help but asked him questions, almost nagging him. I was requesting him to update his Friendster account, just to add more pictures of us, not just the one he grabbed from my sister. I was requesting it since January. But he just didn’t have time for it. Or maybe it was never in his priority. I keep on asking him why he can’t update his friendster or make time for it. A few pictures of us together is all I’m asking.
(My heart hurts as I write this. The gripping pain…and I just can’t help but cry.)
I continued to ask him why he can’t do it for me. And I asked the most dreaded question that changed my life forever, “Do you want your freedom back?” He didn’t want to answer, but then I keep on asking. He told me to go to sleep, but then I can’t without getting his answer. When finally he replied, he said partially no and yes. Partially no and yes! That reply made my head spin literally. To my dismay I asked him again, and he shouted back, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” He said, “nasasakal na ako sayo.”
Hours passed, he said he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s like I slept and he still loves me and when I woke up, he’s gone. Just like that. He doesn’t love me anymore. He told me that the times he felt suffocated, he realized how much he loves her.
To him, it was nasakal then realized she’s in love with another girl. For me, it was the other way around…He chose the girl, he felt suffocated because he fell in love with her and he’s still with me. But there’s no point to arguing already. That’s the sad reality I have to face everyday, he doesn’t love me anymore. Every waking day I have for the past 2 weeks and 2 days, that sad reality grips my heart everyday.
I wanted to tell him how much I love him, but then it will just annoy him like it did yesterday when I told him that I love him. I’m not after him. I realized I don’t wanna be with him because he doesn’t love me anymore and he wouldn’t be happy with me because he gave his heart to someone else.
Why didn’t he chose to love me, instead of her? That I don’t know. And I don’t know if I still will get an honest answer…Or if there’s an answer to it. Reality bites…and it’s eating my whole being.
I did everything I can to win him back. I felt so small begging her not to take Meowth away from me the day after he and I broke up. I can’t help but cry in front of her.
I talked to her yesterday. She insisted that she’s not the reason why we broke up. Maybe she’s not the only reason, but a big part of it. I can’t blame her. It is Meowth’s decision to love her. To cheat on me and break up with me. I didn’t talk to her to blame her, and I’m not. I just want to tell her that he is all I got. The only person I can call mine for the past 9 months. I know it is not planned, but unknowingly, she took the willing boy away from me. How lucky she is for having the chance to choose between her boyfriend and him. I thank her for letting me talk to her and have my closure. I’ll hold my other end of the line.
God knows how much I love Meowth. I remember these words clearly…He said these when we were still together. And it made my fears of losing him disappear.
“…I won’t leave. I don’t want to leave. Masaya na ako eh esp nandito ka sa akin. When I’m with you I can be me and I feel at home with myself. To be honest first time ko nafeel to towards others…. - Meowth”
I took the risk. I loved him thinking that he mean it. Maybe at the moment he said it, he meant it. At least I know that he loved me, and I loved him as well. I loved him more than my own life…more than anyone else in this planet. I loved him enough that all my plans in the future includes him. And now, I love him enough to let him go.
I know for a fact that guilt is eating him. I know that this is not easy for him too. As much as I wanna say, “Sana ako nalang…” I know that wouldn’t be appropriate anymore.
I won’t show myself until I’m fully healed. Until the day that I wouldn’t be bothered by your presence. I’m looking forward to the day that I will hurt no more. Till the day that I wouldn’t be a burden to you. Till the day that God will made me worthy and ready for the friendship that you’re offering. I’ll do my best to keep my promise.
I love, therefore I am letting you go……..
I lay my heart and my future to you my God
Monday, July 27th, 2009Knowing myself, I know how to express myself in writing. I express my feelings through blogging and after that, I usually feel lighter. Free from worries and pains of this damned world. But these past few weeks were different. No matter how much heart I put in writing, or how many tears fell while I’m writing, it still hurts. And the pain won’t go. The only good I can see in this suffering is that I read the bible always. I’ve never read my bible this much before. I can’t go to sleep at night without reading God’s word. I may be looking for answers to my questions, or I probably read through the answers a thousand times. God’s word is giving me comfort that no man can ever give.
Zephaniah 3:17-20
17 The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in You, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. 18 “The sorrows for the appointed feasts I will remove from you; they are a burden and a reproach to you. 19 At that time I will deal with all who oppressed you; I will rescue the lame and gather those who have been scattered. I will give them praise and honor in every land where they were put to shame. 20 At that time I will gather you; at that time I will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes,” says the Lord.
Dear Lord,
I can’t cry hard enough. My tears won’t fall anymore, and my heart has been crushed. Have mercy on me for my soul is slowly dying. Have mercy on me and pretty please take this pain away. I can only endure so much. You have been carrying my cross for the past two weeks. If it was for my own strength I would have passed out already. Hear my cry O God, attend unto my prayer. From the ends of the Earth will I cry out to Thee….Lord, please have mercy on me. I love you Lord. When all have left and fallen out of love, You still love me. Have mercy on me and forgive me for my iniquities. I know I fell short and I’m guilty. Please help me to just let go. I just want to feel your loving embrace right now.
Broken
Thursday, July 16th, 2009The broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
Like you’ve already figured out
I’m falling apart,
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded,
I’m an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
They’re still looking for life
I’m falling apart,
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to you
I’m hangin’ on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now,
Haven’t forgotten my way home
Arthur’s Theme
Wednesday, July 8th, 2009Once in your life you find her
Someone that turns your heart around
And next thing you know you’re closing down the town
Wake up and it’s still with you
Even though you left her way across town
Wondering to yourself, “Hey, what’ve I found?”
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it’s crazy, but it’s true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do ……
The best that you can do is fall in love
Arthur he does as he pleases
All of his life, he’s mastered choice
Deep in his heart, he’s just, he’s just a boy
Living his life one day at a time
And showing himself a really good time
Laughing about the way they want him to be
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it’s crazy, but it’s true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do …..
The best that you can do is fall in love
When you get caught between the Moon and New York City
I know it’s crazy, but it’s true
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do …..
The best that you can do is fall in love
Edwin Orande
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009Edwin is my friend. Hmmm..No..He’s not my friend. Edwin is my brother. I’ve known him for the past 15 years of my life. He and his twin brother, Edward, were transferees in our school, that was Grade 3. We do take the same ride to school, from Grade 3 to Grade 6. Si Tatang.We played, teased each other, and have the time of our lives as kids. They are the ones who taught me how to steal a wallet, how to bully a person, and the list go on. I learned my first kalokohan from them basically. Haha! Edwin, Edward and I become good friends ever since. Edward is my classmate, while Edwin belongs to another class. Come high school, (more…)
When will I stop thinking about you? When are we gonna get over losing you? Maybe soon, but most likely NEVER.
When titles don’t come out right….
I’ve been meaning to write something. Alot of things happened. Countless that I wanna write about. My joys, my pain, deaths, ocassions…I wanna write to my hearts content. It’s just that most of the time, titles don’t come out right.
The last time I blog was around March. My friend Edwin is still alive. A family friend, Anabelle, is still alive. Mother and father’s days aren’t over yet. I’m not having disturbing dreams yet. Noel’s son isn’t born yet. You see a lot of things. But I can’t say that life is less complicated months ago. It was and is still exciting for me. And I can’t help but thank God every waking day of my life.