I love, therefore I am…

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

Hoku - You First Believed (Hoku)

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles

Life is bleak. It is for now. But it will not always be like this. Someday….

People will come and go. You can only love them while they are there. And when it’s time to go, no matter how much you wanted to hold on, no matter how much you cherished the gift, you just have to let them go.

“give it up na. accept the fact na wala na tayo. i hate to admit na i really love her and i would want things to be ok first, to be clear before we start to build a relationship.” -Meowth

He said these words to me yesterday (28July2009). These are harsh words. They break my heart. But then, maybe I need it.

Or maybe kinder words didn’t hurt as much.

Days gone by already, then weeks. It hurts just the same as it was the night we broke up.

The weekend prior to that was okay. We did our Sunday rituals, church and dinner. Little did I know that it’ll be our last weekend together. Monday night, I was updating my Friendster account. He logged in to his account and added 3 friends (2 girls and a guy). I can’t help but asked him questions, almost nagging him. I was requesting him to update his Friendster account, just to add more pictures of us, not just the one he grabbed from my sister. I was requesting it since January. But he just didn’t have time for it. Or maybe it was never in his priority. I keep on asking him why he can’t update his friendster or make time for it. A few pictures of us together is all I’m asking.

(My heart hurts as I write this. The gripping pain…and I just can’t help but cry.)

I continued to ask him why he can’t do it for me. And I asked the most dreaded question that changed my life forever, “Do you want your freedom back?” He didn’t want to answer, but then I keep on asking. He told me to go to sleep, but then I can’t without getting his answer. When finally he replied, he said partially no and yes. Partially no and yes! That reply made my head spin literally. To my dismay I asked him again, and he shouted back, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” He said, “nasasakal na ako sayo.”

Hours passed, he said he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s like I slept and he still loves me and when I woke up, he’s gone. Just like that. He doesn’t love me anymore. He told me that the times he felt suffocated, he realized how much he loves her.

To him, it was nasakal then realized she’s in love with another girl. For me, it was the other way around…He chose the girl, he felt suffocated because he fell in love with her and he’s still with me. But there’s no point to arguing already. That’s the sad reality I have to face everyday, he doesn’t love me anymore. Every waking day I have for the past 2 weeks and 2 days, that sad reality grips my heart everyday.

I wanted to tell him how much I love him, but then it will just annoy him like it did yesterday when I told him that I love him. I’m not after him. I realized I don’t wanna be with him because he doesn’t love me anymore and he wouldn’t be happy with me because he gave his heart to someone else.

Why didn’t he chose to love me, instead of her? That I don’t know. And I don’t know if I still will get an honest answer…Or if there’s an answer to it. Reality bites…and it’s eating my whole being.

I did everything I can to win him back. I felt so small begging her not to take Meowth away from me the day after he and I broke up. I can’t help but cry in front of her.

I talked to her yesterday. She insisted that she’s not the reason why we broke up. Maybe she’s not the only reason, but a big part of it. I can’t blame her. It is Meowth’s decision to love her. To cheat on me and break up with me. I didn’t talk to her to blame her, and I’m not. I just want to tell her that he is all I got. The only person I can call mine for the past 9 months. I know it is not planned, but unknowingly, she took  the willing boy away from me. How lucky she is for having the chance to choose between her boyfriend and him. I thank her for letting me talk to her and have my closure. I’ll hold my other end of the line.

God knows how much I love Meowth. I remember these words clearly…He said these when we were still together. And it made my fears of losing him disappear. 

“…I won’t leave. I don’t want to leave. Masaya na ako eh esp nandito ka sa akin. When I’m with you I can be me and I feel at home with myself. To be honest first time ko nafeel to towards others…. - Meowth”

I took the risk. I loved him thinking that he mean it. Maybe at the moment he said it, he meant it. At least I know that he loved me, and I loved him as well. I loved him more than my own life…more than anyone else in this planet. I loved him enough that all my plans in the future includes him. And now, I love him enough to let him go.

I know for a fact that guilt is eating him. I know that this is not easy for him too. As much as I wanna say, “Sana ako nalang…” I know that wouldn’t be appropriate anymore.

I won’t show myself until I’m fully healed. Until the day that I wouldn’t be bothered by your presence. I’m looking forward to the day that I will hurt no more. Till the day that I wouldn’t be a burden to you. Till the day that God will made me worthy and ready for the friendship that you’re offering. I’ll do my best to keep my promise.

I love, therefore I am letting you go……..